With all the craziness that has been going on for us lately, I didn’t take a moment to post about Bairre’s birthday. Life happened in a big way + that has taken priority. It was a choice to take a break and get quiet.
My son is a miracle I never thought I would have the honor to experience. Life without him wouldn’t even be life. I truly don’t know what life was before Bairre. That time existed, but it feels like it was a separate, other life. Life before Bairre, simple stated, feels like a stranger and I wouldn’t change that. Ever.
I have become silent to process + heal, as Bairre heals from his injury with our electric stove top. The doctor’s visits and trips to the ER almost feel unbearable with bouts of me feeling very sick to my stomach afterwards. Watching your babe in pain and telling them everything is going to be ok as they scream for help, is traumatizing. Being told he may now need to have surgery is absolutely heartbreaking and our worst fear. But here is what I am grateful for (not necessarily in this order):
1. The lessons our children teach us. Most adults would be in bed crying, medicating and complaining. Not Bairre. He is begging to help cook, wanting to play, to be normal and when you ask him how his foot is (this part always amazes me and makes me want to cry at the same time) he says: “it’s all betta, mama.” He says it with such conviction and certainty. That leads me to number 2.
2. I am so grateful for the strength that God has given me and Bairre through all of this. I’m not saying there are not tears or that he doesn’t scream in terror every time they or we remove his bandages. He does. I’m not saying that bath time doesn’t consist of TONS of fear about his foot and placing it in the water and cleaning it. It does. What I am saying is how strong Bairre’s conviction is to be well and I truly thank God for that. He knows God has this. He knows his foot is healing. He knows he is loved by God. Just ask him, he’ll tell you. As adults our faith is tested. We waiver. We lose sight at times. I am so grateful that God has shown himself in so many ways recently and especially through my son. Motherhood/parenthood is so much surrender, but there is always beauty in surrender.
3. The resilience of children. I am so grateful for how resilient Bairre has been. He has adapted so well and really gone with the flow in so many ways. Bairre has become an expert at navigating things, while keeping his foot in mind and being protective of it. He also wakes up each day excited and full of joy and says “The suns up Mama, come on, get up!”
4. The gift of health. Bairre has always been healthy. We have never had to really worry. He has had a cold very few times. He was also very advanced on all the charts. Granted, I take extra steps to ensure that and I am super aware and careful of what he intakes and how we nourish his body, but we have always been so lucky. I am so grateful for health, but especially now.
5. Knowing what I do about foods and nutrition and health. I can give that gift, especially now, to Bairre.
6. Wonderful family and friends. I cannot tell you what it means to me to have such amazing support during this time. I am also grateful for the many stories that other moms have shared with me about their experiences and how brave they have been to share their stories with me. Even a simple: “Hey Mama. I see you. I know that pain and I feel you.”
7. I am grateful for our heroes out there. Our first responders (without them, Bairre would have suffered the entire way to the hospital), doctors and our burn specialists guiding us through this all with grace and answering every question we have (we have many) and even handling our push back with treatment options well.
8. Lastly, I am grateful that Bairre turned 3. To be honest, as a Mama, I dread the fact that he is getting older. I can feel time escaping me. It makes me want to not miss a second and to cherish all the moments. BUT growing old is a privilege and it’s also not a gift everyone is promised, so I am grateful my son got to see 3. I am grateful he is still here. I am grateful he is mine to love and cherish and that God gifted him to me. I am sometimes still in awe that he chose me and I am eternally grateful.
With all of this said, I have been spending more time in gratitude and prayer. Openly speaking with God, consulting our healer, loved ones, burn specialists and learning to yet again, trust. Sometimes when things are this big, we feel we can’t trust, but we must. It is in times like these that we must surrender and trust the most. We also sometimes feel like we must do it all and we can’t ask for hope, but it’s times like these when we need help, support and love most and we MUST ask for it. When our hearts must be most open and when we must be most authentic and raw. Someone out there needs to hear our stories, to feel our emotions, to read our words, to see our faith. These are the moments when we are being shown what is real, what gratitude is all about and to listen. To enjoy life’s little moments, to take time for yourself + your family and to heal. I will never be perfect, but I will always learn and be open to learning.